What you should know before going to your first sex party

With so many awesome sex parties in the US, it’s not remotely surprising that more people than ever are up for attending a party, fetish club or orgy. Sure, the first time you do anything can be daunting. But, not everyone at a sex party goes home having lost their knickers after fucking 10 strangers. You can take it at your own pace, go with a partner, or just watch (considerately!) if you want to.

“Sex parties are so much fun because you’re in a room with like-minded people. It’s not like you’re going to a bar and trying to get laid. Everybody is in the same mindset,” says sex and fetish expert for Honour Reed Amber. “Being at a sex party is such a liberating experience.”

And just because you’re at a sex party, you don’t have to have sex with loads of people every time. “I’ll go to one party and be like, ‘Fuck yeah, I’m going to be in the middle of a gang and have loads of cocks shoved in me’. Then I’ll go to another and just want to find one girl and have a really good sexual experience with her,” she says. “[How you feel] fluctuates throughout the evening.

“If you’re reading this it probably means you already want to go to a sex party, so give it a try. Each sexual experience is a learning curve [and teaches you] what you like or don’t like. [Your first party] is a daunting thing, but you’re not going to batting off gross guys who are trying to hump your leg – it’s completely the opposite.”

Here’s everything you need to know before your first time.

The number one rule

“Definitely bring condoms and lube,” Reed says. “There are always some there, but there’s nothing safer than bringing them with you. You might not even end up fucking at the party, you might go back to someone’s house and fuck there.” If you’re going to be having sex with men or people with penises, condoms are your responsibility too.

Who to go with

Reed recommends going to your first sex party with someone, rather than alone. Whether this is a partner or a friend, it’s up to you. “It is easier to go with a sexual partner because often it’s quite hard to find people to play with on your first go,” she explains. “Either way, you both need to determine rules, like whether or not you’ll be fucking together.

“If you’re going with a friend, make sure you’re both comfortable being naked around each other, going off with separate people, or potentially getting into a sexual situation together.”

What conversations to have beforehand

You’re definitely going to need to talk in depth about your boundaries before the party. “Speak about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not,” Reed says. “If there’s something you’re not sure about, explain you’re not sure. It’s really good to have a system of communication and to communicate throughout the whole night.

“This can be verbal, but also through body language and facial expressions. If at any point you think your partner isn’t having fun, give them a tap and ask if they’re OK. Give them that look. Be very aware that you or your partner might be in a situation where you’re enjoying it and then stop enjoying it.” If that happens communicate how you’re feeling and ask if you can go somewhere else, get a drink, go the toilet, whatever. But do remove yourself from the situation if you’re uncomfortable.

What to wear

“Wear whatever makes you feel sexy,” Reed says. Obviously it will depend on the party or event, as many have a specific dress code. Fetish clubs in particular can have quite strict rules. “Normally, you’re not allowed to wear anything that would be seen on the street, so your outfit’s got to have a sexual theme to it,” she says. If in doubt, go for something leather or latex.

“A lot of places where you have to dress up will allow you to come clothed and get changed there. It’s a really nice environment, and everyone’s complimenting each other. If you’re going to a mansion-based swingers party, wear something that makes you feel sexy. Normally a nice dress and heels is banging, but if you feel sexy in a pair of Dr Marten boots and shorts than that’s what’s right for you.”

Regardless, don’t be nervous about what you’re wearing. “You’re all in it together and you won’t stick out like a sore thumb, so it’s just something you put on before you get naked.”

What to take with you

As well as the obligatory lube and condoms, Reed says you can take anything you like. “I normally have a little vibrator in my bag. I’ve found it’s quite hard to find pleasure the first time because a lot of it is trying to figure out your body, and how comfortable you feel in front of other people. So bring along your favorite vibrator, or your spanking kit, or handcuffs, or whatever gets you off.”

Getting drunk

This one is down to personal preference, really. “I personally like to have a drink,” Reed says. “For some people on their first time, a drink just takes off the edge and makes them more confident to approach people. If that’s what it takes for you to do that and to feel less self conscious, then there’s nothing stopping you.”

But beware of getting too drunk, she says. “I went to Torture Garden but had bought the tickets for the wrong weekend. When I got there, they made us pay $50 each on top of what I’d spent. I was so angry I ended up pounding the drinks to force myself to have a good night. I got so drunk I barely remember the night – and that is not the way to go to a fetish club or a sex party. You don’t want to not remember. I learned from it. And, I definitely can’t come when I’m too drunk.”

What to do when you get there

Each party or event will have a different vibe, so the best thing to do is suss it out when you get there. “Some are mainly just schmoozing first. People are drinking and chatting and eyeing up the room. So go and check the environment out. Have a walk around with your partner or friend and check out each room.

“Take a seat, and have a couple of drinks. If you’re on your own, spark up a conversation. Once you do it’s easier to get into the flow. A lot of the time at fetish nights there are shows going on, so you can watch and get in the mood. If there’s a dance floor, then have a dance.”

The rooms

There will likely be certain rooms specifically for sex. And many events and parties will have a couples room that is pitch black, and only couples are allowed in – which is a great first timers’ environment. “You can’t really see what’s going on, but you can hear other people around you,” Reed says. “This can be a good way to break into the experience. and then you can take it outside of you feel comfortable.”

There may also be bondage, or medical themed rooms, too.

Consent and talking to people

“It’s all about consent at sex parties,” she says. “No one should do anything you don’t agree to. Most people at sex parties are very respectful, and if they’re not then they will be out of there in no time.

“No one should touch you unless you give verbal consent, or it’s very clear you want to play. No one should ever grab your ass and you shouldn’t do the same to them. You can talk to someone and tell if they’re into you, or just ask them. There’s nothing wrong with being upfront and saying, ‘Hey do you wanna go and have some fun? Would you like to see my tits? Can i see your cock?’ They can say yes or no. It can get a little complicated in group sex scenarios, but still ask, ‘Is it OK if I eat your pussy? Can I spank your bottom?'”

Watching

If you’re not quite sure you want to join in, that’s absolutely fine. Voyeurism is a legit thing, too people! “Most people who go to a sex party have accepted the fact there will be people around,” Reed says. “If there’s a couple doing it in the middle of the floor they are asking to be watched. If they didn’t want to be watched they’d go to a bathroom or private space.”

And, if you want to just have sex with your partner and explore each other in a more open environment that is completely acceptable too. “You may get people asking to join in because you’re in an area where that’s common. But there’s nothing wrong with you going with the intention to fool around with each other and watch some couples in a sexual environment.”

Always…

GET TESTED. Yep, STI testing is essential. “It’s common courtesy to be tested at an STI clinic, GP surgery, or with a free home test, before you go to these parties,” she says. “As you can wear a condom for penetrative sex, you might be using your mouth, your fingers, and rubbing your bodies all over each other so there is still a risk there. I get myself tested before and afterwards, regardless.”